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Topic-icon 我对 “海外逸士” 英语小说的点评

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2016-07-25 22:01 #1 刘小曼36
刘小曼36 : 我对 “海外逸士” 英语小说的点评
Adventure of a US Girl in Ancient China


The day broke fine and clear. The sun showed his ruddy face above the horizon and clambered out by degrees. His face then turned radiant and dazzling. It was the Valentine Day in 2004—the day for lovers to meet. Linda was a blonde with sky-blue eyes and a model's figure, exactly the type akin to a goddess in Greek mythology. She was a senior in a local high school in Bergen County, New Jersey, a girl full of fanciful whim. But she could still use her reason to deal with everything in reality and could restrain herself against impulses. She was also a cheerleader and a member of astronomy society in the school.

She had a telescope set up in her room at the window. Of a clear night, she would watch the starry sky, imagining herself flitting among the sparkling stars like an angel. She always thought that the sky was really her home. Her great ambition since a little girl was to be a woman astronaut so that she could travel in a genuine spaceship to explore the mystic outer space. She wanted to see everything in the universe in person, not just on science movies. Once she dreamt that she was hovering in the nocturnal sky and approaching a sparkling star. She knew that stars should be fiery balls like the sun. But when she got close enough, she found that it was an enormous ruby reflecting the light of other stars. She was about to take it into her hands when she was awakened by the alarm clock. It was time to go to school.

A certain astrologist told her parents that a girl endowed with such a spirit and temperament might magnetize some mysterious force in the universe, but Linda did not care. As a matter of fact, she longed for it so that she could have some unpredictable change in her boring routine life. She often manifested that a day passed in an exciting adventure was more worth living than a hundred tedious years.

Frank lived next door and was her playmate since childhood, and now in the same classroom of the same school. They went to school together every morning and came home together every evening. Their fellow students jested that Frank was the shadow of Linda as shadows cannot be separated from objects. Frank joined the school football team and every time he played in a contest Linda would cheer for him at the side of the court.

That day, they exchanged gifts, a box of chocolate for her and a new tie for him to wear on the prom night a couple of months away. They would soon graduate from high school. They might go to separate colleges as their interest in the life's goal was different, but they could still get together during the vacations and after graduation since the love between them was a strong rope to tie them together. The eternal separation for them seemed impossible in their opinion.

One day Frank took Linda out for a spin in his new convertible that his father had given him as a gift for his seventeenth birthday. They went to the highway and Frank drove at a high speed.

“Don’t drive so fast. You’re way over the speed limit.” Linda warned.

“Watch out for the cops for me.” Frank suggested, “It’s all right. Only eighty. Most people drive at eighty on this highway.”

Linda knew that she could not dissuade him. Frank was sometimes very stubborn. The late afternoon wind blew Linda’s long golden hair flying behind her like the tail of a comet. Frank seemed to accelerate in his high spirits. Linda had a last resort that she could take to make Frank listen to her.

“If you don’t decelerate, I won’t go with you any farther.”

“What do you mean?” Frank glanced at her face in doubt. He was at a loss to understand Linda.

“I’ll jump out.” Linda said calmly.

“You kidding?” Frank was surprised to hear it. He knew that Linda often did something out of his expectation. But this time it was too drastic. Before he could say anything else, Linda began to unbuckle her seat belt. Frank hastily lessened the speed, but when he turned to check on Linda to see if she had really jumped out, Linda was nowhere to be seen. She was not in the convertible. She was not on the surface of the road if she had jumped out. At that time there was not much traffic. She could not jump into the passing cars of other people. She just vanished into the thin air like the steam having evaporated.

He had to hurry back and inform her parents of the serious situation. They reported the accident to the police, who sent out the message throughout the nation, but Linda could not be found anywhere in the country.




天生我材竟何用﹖


2016-5-1 10:31
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Xiaoman




#2


不少错误和别扭的表达。建议再读100本英语小说再写。(You said this to me before, so now I return it to you. What goes around comes around. No offense. )




2016-5-1 10:38
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Xiaoman




#3


.




2016-5-1 10:40
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Xiaoman




#4


An awkward mishmash. I advise you to fix the following sentences first:

1) "She was not in the convertible. She was not on the surface of the road if she had jumped out. " >> Combine these two lines into one.

2) that time there was not much traffic. >>there was not so much traffic / or: At that time, the traffic was not horrendous

3) The late afternoon wind blew Linda’s long golden hair flying behind her like the tail of a comet. >> The late afternoon wind blew Linda's long golden hair in her back, making it look like a pretty comet's tail.




2016-5-1 17:03
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Xiaoman




#5


"she would watch the starry sky, imagining herself flitting among the sparkling stars like an angel."

>>She would look up into the starry sky ( "look up into" contains the meaning of investigation )




2016-5-1 17:17
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Xiaoman




#6


#1 Adventure of a US Girl in Ancient China


"The day broke fine and clear. The sun showed his ruddy face above the horizon and clambered out by degrees. His face then turned radiant and dazzling. It was the Valentine Day in 2004—the day for lovers to meet. "

clambered out by degrees >> please pay attention to the word usage and ensure that the language of the entire article are consistent. It was a romantic morning. clamber means to climb with difficulty using hands and feet . 请注意用词,Clamer 意思艰难地爬出来。但你下一句说“这是情人节,是情侣们相会的时节。” 你让太阳公公那么艰难痛苦地像便秘似的一点一点(爬) 出来, 浪漫在哪里? 太阳不喜欢看到情侣相会吗?

遣词造句要确保整篇的风格一致。




2016-5-1 17:45
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Xiaoman




#7


"But she could still use her reason to deal with everything in reality and could restrain herself against impulses. She was also a cheerleader and a member of astronomy society in the school. "

注意Deal with 和 Cope With的区别




2016-5-1 17:57
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Xiaoman




#8


"Her great ambition since a little girl was to be a woman astronaut so that she could travel in a genuine spaceship to explore the mystic outer space."

>> "A woman " is redundant in this line. Her, little girl have already indicated that she is a WOMAN .

"not just on science movies. " >> not just in science fiction movies

"but they could still get together during the vacations and after graduation since the love between them was a strong rope to tie them together"

during the vacation>>during vacations

"since the love between them was a strong rope to tie them together" Chinglish

>>since they fell in love with each other deeply.

“绳" 句,文法不通, 读者的解读是: 他们爱得很深, 这爱就如一条结实的绳子将他们紧紧绑住。 既然故事关于古代中国的,可以直接写成如下,引发读者的兴趣。

They fell in love with each other deeply as if their hearts had been tightly tied together with an invisible red thread by the Old Man in the moonlight.




2016-5-1 20:10
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Xiaoman




#9


"She was about to take it into her hands when she was awakened by the alarm clock. It was time to go to school."
在不该用成语的地方用了成语。


take matters into your own hands ----to deal with a problem yourself because other people have failed to deal with it

既然是摘星当然是用手了。

此句的中文大概是: 她刚想把那颗星星抓住就被闹钟闹醒了。
用 No sooner than 的 句法:

No sooner did she grab the star than the alarm clock woke her up.

(用英语书写故事要简洁,同一个英语词不高兴在短距离内重复出现。)




2016-5-1 21:13
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Xiaoman




#10


尊敬的读者,新读者,前头两句我是有些调侃。也许楼主不觉得有趣,他以前就是这种语气和态度对其他人,包括我,很多人能做证。


后边的参考意见都是经过认真思考,是抱着做学问的态度。

欢迎不同意见!




2016-5-1 21:33
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Xiaoman




#11


“Their fellow students jested that Frank was the shadow of Linda as shadows cannot be separated from objects. ” 》》

...Frank was Linda's shadow going in and out with her. 删去“as shadows cannot be separated from objects”


“They went to the highway and Frank drove at a high speed” 英语的特点是逻辑性强,这句显得唐突。它的中文意思是:他们去高速公路,然后法兰克开得很快。

Go to ...后面跟的是目的地,Hightway不是目的地。 改成:

Driving on the highway, Frank sort of got carried away and he started speeding without realizing it.
在高速公路上,法兰克有些忘乎所以,以致没有察觉自己已经超速。

"He had to hurry back and inform her parents of the serious situation." He had to ...也是显得唐突。改成:
>> He had no choice but to hurry back to inform her parents about that inconceivable accident.




2016-5-2 00:33
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Xiaoman




#12


"Frank hastily lessened the speed, but when he turned to check on Linda to see if she had really jumped out, Linda was nowhere to be seen. She was not in the convertible. She was not on the surface of the road if she had jumped out. At that time there was not much traffic. She could not jump into the passing cars of other people. She just vanished into the thin air like the steam having evaporated."

"but when he turned to check on Linda to see if she had really jumped out," 这句不合理,他们不是坐一起的吗? 怎么还要查看她是否真的跳车? 就在身边还要查看,他视力有问题?

改成:
>>In no time flat, Frank slowed down the car. But to his surprise, Linda, as if by magic, had vanished into thin air right before his eyes. Frank looked around, but he couldn't see Linda anywhere, neither on the seat nor the road if she had jumped out of the car.

法拉克马上减速。 但使他吃惊的是,就好象着了魔法一样,琳达在他眼前消失在空气中。 法兰克环顾四周,但就是看不见琳达,她既不在车里也不在路上,如果她跳车的话。




2016-5-2 04:34
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海外逸士




#13


謝謝樓主化寶貴時間幫我改。樓主的英文越來越好了。我只是貼個故事內容讓大家看看玩玩而已。不再與人討論問題了。但還歡迎發表意見。謝謝。




2016-5-2 07:29
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海外逸士




#14


Chapter 1

Linda was sucked into a space tunnel by a mysterious cosmic force. She was in a state of dream. She dreamt that she was spinning in an airy whirlpool and feeling dizzy. She wanted to cry, but no sound escaped her mouth. She felt like being suffocated. She fell into a swoon. When she came to, she found herself outside a huge city in the broad daylight. She lay on a meadow half a mile away. She was not sure whether she was still in a dream or not. She pinched herself on the left forearm and felt pain. She closed her eyes and lay there for a few minutes longer. The sun shone on her face warmly and a gust of wind played on her long hair. It must be spring right now.

When she got to her feet she beheld people hurrying towards the city on the thoroughfare, which was paved with dry mud, and which, in her opinion, was too narrow, compared with the highways in America. All the people she saw on the thoroughfare were dressed in weird clothes, which looked like a kind of gowns. The gowns most people wore were shabby, in a single dull color of grey, blue or black. They were shod in cloth shoes with holes here and there, or in straw slippers. A few were donned in silk or brocade of red, green or colorfulness. No doubt, they were from rich families. Some horses with riders on them galloped towards the city and a horse-drawn carriage or two just rolled by in the opposite direction.

Linda walked among the poor people into the city. She was aware that mingling with these people, she looked weird, like a queer fish out of water. People around her looked at her, too. To them she was dressed in weird clothes: a denim jacket and pants of jeans with a pair of snickers on her feet.

She realized that somehow she had got into a strange land. She caught some broken words from the conversation between people around her. She decided that it was Chinese as she had had some Chinese girlfriends at school and had known a few Chinese words. And the faces she saw in the streets looked like those of Orientals. She wondered how she could have landed in China. Perhaps she had gone through the center of the Earth and emerged on the other hemisphere.

She strolled in the streets, not knowing what to do and where to go. She was a stranger in this big city. She could not guess what city it was as China had so many cities. She only knew Beijing, the capital, and Shanghai, the largest city in China. She wandered aimlessly. She estimated that this main street was fifteen feet wide, with shops lined on both sides. The shops did not have shop windows. They opened from wall to wall. She could look right into the shops and see what they were doing or selling. When she heard some striking noise like iron hitting iron, she looked into it. It was a blacksmith’s shop, swords and spears on the shelves against a shop wall and bows and quivers of arrows hanging on another wall. One shop displayed scrolls of colorful cloth, silk and brocade. A shop assistant was measuring a scroll of pink cloth with a ruler for a female customer. A confectioner across the street sold all sorts of sweets, from malt candy to sweetened dried fruits. One store she could not recognize, because it was an herb store (drugstore). Herbs were not supposed on display. There were cabinets with rows of small drawers in them standing against the rear wall. One kind of herb was stored in one drawer. There was a long counter in the middle of the shop facing the street and separating the shop into two parts. The shop assistants stood behind the counter and the customers before it. When a customer came with a prescription, a shop assistant would take the herbs one by one from the drawers and weigh them on a small steelyard to the right amount stated on the prescription. Every herb was put on a small piece of paper and wrapped up. Then all the wrapped herbs were laid on a large piece of paper and wrapped into a big package. So the prescription was ready to be picked. The Chinese herbs must be decocted in water in an earthen pot. No metal pot was allowed to use. It was said that the herbs might have some unexpected chemical reactions with the metal. When the water looked like a juice of a dark color, it was ready to be taken. The dark juice was poured into a bowl with the dregs left in the pot. The patient only drank the dark juice. The dregs were thrown away at night on the middle of the street just before the front door of the patient. It was believed that when a passerby stepped over the dregs left on the street, he would take the sickness away from the patient. As for whether the passerby would get sick or not, it was not known nor stated in this bad tradition.

Whenever she passed a restaurant, she could judge all right from the people sitting round tables covered with plates of food. For some she could easily find out by the cooking smell wafted out from the kitchen. Standing in front of a restaurant, a sudden feeling of hunger struck her. She looked at her watch on her left wrist. It was half past one. No wonder she felt starved.

Looking at the people inside busily swallowing food, she had wished that she could have eaten something in that restaurant, but she did not know how she could pay for the meal.

From the fact that there were no cars running in the streets, no public phones anywhere and no modern equipments to be seen, she concluded that she had plunged in a different period of times than hers—times much earlier in the human history. She had watched enough movies about time machines in America and had enough knowledge to draw such a conclusion. Although she had not entered any time machine, she had no doubt about it.

She had a 20 dollar bill in her pocket, but she was sure that she could not use it here. She felt the banknote in her pocket once more and fortunately she touched chocolate there. Frank had given her a dozen and she had six left. She took out one piece, and stripping it, put into her mouth. But she could not live on her chocolate for long.

She walked on and on till she came to a place where she saw some women dressed in ancient Persian clothes, which she had seen on TV when at home. She went up to them for help. But as she approached, she heard them speaking a language she did not understand. Those were the wives and daughters of the Persian merchants who came here to trade their goods. So they were speaking Persian. Then she noticed a young man in the crowd looking like an Englishman. She went straight to him and said “Hello!” He did come from England, though the words and sentences he was using sounded like from Shakespeare’s plays. Luckily she had learned some Shakespeare’s works in high school. So they conversed for a while. From him she learned that it was in the sixteenth century and the city was Peking, the capital of China in Ming Dynasty (1368—1644). She could not understand why the capital was called Peking, not Beijing. Maybe it was a dialect.

She asked, “What is the currency used here?” The young Englishman took out of his purse some broken silver and a few brass coins, each with a square hole in the middle so that the coins could be put on a string. People tied both ends of the string into a knot to form a coin ring. They would put an arm through the ring and move it up onto the shoulder. Thus it was easy to carry

Then he picked a big piece of broken silver from his open palm and said to her, “People just weigh the silver piece to decide its value. The basic unit is one tael, like a pound in English currency. They have smaller units, such as qian equal to one-tenth of a tael, and fen equal to one-hundredth of a tael, somewhat like shilling and pence in our system.”

Linda thought how she could get some silver bits to tide her over till she found a job. She doubted whether she could be back at home in the future. She might live in China in the sixteenth century for life. So she must work to support herself. She felt that she could trust in the young man and consulted him. He said, “You can work for my father, who is a merchant coming here from England. Can you read and write?” She nodded. “You can be his secretary. You look so smart.” He remarked.

The young man worked as a secretary for his father and he did not like this boring work. He aspired after adventures in a foreign land, wielding a sword, not sitting in an office and holding a quill all day long. Now he was happy to find a substitute.

They walked side by side while talking. Suddenly she turned her face to him and said, “Can I borrow some money from you? I'll pay back when I get my salary.” Then she added, “I want to buy some food.”

“You didn’t have your lunch yet?” He wondered. “It’s long past the lunch time.” He looked up at the sun in the sky, and fished a watch out of his fob to check the time.

“I don’t have money.” She pleaded.

“All right. I'll take you to a restaurant.” He observed. “It seems the first time you are here.”

“Yes.” She replied curtly.

“How did you come here?”

“I came with my father.”

“Where’s your father now?” queried the young man.

“Last night we lost our way in the mountains and met a tiger. My father fought with it while signaling me to run away. I don't know how my poor father is now, or even alive.” She said in her heart, “Sorry, dad.” She began to pretend to weep. Surely, she had every reason to weep for herself, not for her father, who was now safe in America in the twenty-first century. She herself was away from sweet home, now in a strange country and in a strange time.

She followed him into a restaurant. When at home, she had had Chinese food from time to time. So she was familiar with the smell and the taste. In fact, she liked Chinese food. She had some egg rolls and a bowl of wanton soup while he sat across from her, sipping tea. After she finished eating, he took her to his father’s house a few blocks away.




2016-5-2 07:30
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Xiaoman




#15


想不好也难,网上跟几位老师学,学习世界一流水准翻译家的作品,网下跟本地加拿大朋友学,占了天时地利,这样的条件,学不会是我天赋不够。现在你开始好好学也不晚,加强弱的地方,修改错误的地方。我有工作要做,家庭要照顾,不能帮你改了。




2016-5-2 09:28
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海外逸士




#16


我現在很少寫新帖,所以貼個故事。如果我長時期不上帖,恐怕會被認為已經不在人世了。貼個故事讓大家看看玩玩。如果有網友要發表意見,網友之間可相互討論。我除了表示感謝,不會參與討論。沒興趣了。人生要榮辱不驚。過自己的日子。以後不某天貼。上貼只是為表明我還活着。而已。而已。




2016-5-2 10:14
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Xiaoman




#17


1) looked weird, weird clothes, weird clothes are being used repeatedly takes away the attractiveness of the story.

2) She wanted to cry, but no sound escaped her mouth. She felt like being suffocated. She fell into a swoon. When she came to, she found herself outside a huge city in the broad daylight. She lay on a meadow half a mile away. She was not sure whether she was still in a dream or not. She pinched herself on the left forearm and felt pain. She closed her eyes and lay there for a few minutes longer. The sun shone on her face warmly and a gust of wind played on her long hair. It must be spring right now.

In order to give your readers an interesting start to the story and avoid a stale and predictable beginning, it may be a good idea to improve the above:

>> She felt so frustrated that she just wanted to have a good cry, but she could not let out any sound. She felt like she was being suffocated. She panted and then fell into a swoon. After a good while of being unconscious, now, in daylight, roused by human noises and twittering of birds near and afar, to her dismay , she found that she was lying in a meadow not far away from a big city. She was puzzled on where she was exactly at. Am I in dreamland or reality? She gasped as she shook her head. She then pinched her forearm and she felt pain. “Ouch!“ It was real!Panicked. She told herself to calm down. She shut her eyes in horror and kept lying there for a couple of minutes. The sun now shone on her face and she sensed the warm rays which had brought her comfort, as well as the certainty of the reality that she was not a HAPPY CAMPER enjoying her march break, she was in the middle of nowhere she was not sure. A gust of wind played through her long hair, and now she felt more clear in her mind.




2016-5-2 23:11
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Xiaoman




#18


我的建议:

从你的文字中我没读出你有在美国生活过的经历, 你的写作,不但是基本文法,词汇不够,而且还是技巧上不会运用。 你应该先用自己的母语去写,然后逐句翻译出来,这样对你的英语帮助会很大。基本上,你还没有具备英语写作的基本条件。 但你可以把这个作为开端,继续练习。

Your writing is telling writing, boring. To write a vivid story, you should show, don't tell. 写故事的时候,你是去展示事情,不是去告诉读者如何如何。
以你下边几句做例子,"She realized that somehow she..." 这句,她是怎样知道自己来到了一个陌生地方的?读者会疑惑。 不能这样去告诉读者她就意识到什么,然后如何如何的,你要展示给读者她的心理活动,读者从中明了。你可以加入一些对话,让故事生动,有血有肉,不是让读者感觉像看死鱼眼一样的乏味。 
 
躺在草丛里的琳达,隐若听到近处有人在说话,

“听说城里那个王七面馆馄饨味道不错,咱们去尝尝呗?” 一个女人说。
“嗯,是的,老早听说了, 说到吃,我现在感觉饿得慌。” 另一女人附和。

Linda听到的Broken words 就是馄饨,面馆, 然后说Linda 上学时认识的几个中国女同学在她面前提到吃的就来精神。 从她们对话中,印象深刻的是馄饨什么的,所以她很确定她身处在一个中国人居住的地方。


"She realized that somehow she had got into a strange land. She caught some broken words from the conversation between people around her. She decided that it was Chinese as she had had some Chinese girlfriends at school and had known a few Chinese words. "




2016-5-3 06:50
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Xiaoman




#19


我之所以有以上的感受,是因为你以前在别的论坛宣扬你已经读过“100本英语小说”才动笔去写的, 但从你的写作里没有看出来。 我是冲着“100本书” 入来看你的英语写作, 看来你的输入过大而出产强差人意。

如果没有读过那么多,请不要浮夸。如果是真读了那么多书为何写成这样,自己找原因。

总的来说,我觉得你缺乏基本的写作技巧,词汇不够, 基本的表达不地道, 没有幽默感。 但能摆弄出那么多文字,你是有一定毅力的,这个值得去肯定。你所能做的是继续努力。




2016-5-3 07:09
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Xiaoman




#20


我写的这段只有167字:

www.writingforums.com/thr ... garette-(167-words)

给你做示范。怎样表达能让读者明白你的想法,怎样运用幽默(这个很难说得清, 看演示 )等, 当然,你还是得多读名著。

另,我的一篇散文翻译:

www.writingforums.com/threads/157436-Talking-About-Finland




2016-5-3 09:27
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Xiaoman




#21


十四行诗读者评论:

www.writingforums.com/threads/165328-Ducks




2016-5-3 09:50
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Xiaoman




#22


1) Suddenly she turned her face to him and said>>

原句机械化,意思:她突然间把面转向他,并说,

改成:

Suddenly, she fixed her eyes on him with a hopeful look, and asked, (为什么加Hopeful呢,因为她是希望能借到钱)

整句意思: 她突然向他投以希望的眼神,并问,

Fix---To direct steadily: fixed her eyes on the road ahead.

2) She looked at her watch on her left wrist. It was half past one. No wonder she felt starved.
把Look at 改成 glance at

>> She glanced at her watch...
注意Glance 和 Look的区别

Look --direct one's gaze toward someone or something or in a specified direction.
Glance-- To direct the eyes at or toward something briefly: glanced in the rearview mirror.




2016-5-3 14:07
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Xiaoman




#23


“The young man worked as a secretary for his father and he did not like this boring work. He aspired after adventures in a foreign land, wielding a sword, not sitting in an office and holding a quill all day long. Now he was happy to find a substitute.”

Change this description into a vivid conversation or give a psychological description of the character---the young man. 这几句应该是生动的对话, 或角色的心理描写,而不是作者在旁述。




2016-5-3 17:14
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Xiaoman




#24


Again, you are telling, not showing. How did the character Linda know that she had gone back to the sixteenth century of China? At least you need to show some features of Chinese people's clothes in that era. You should have mentioned something like this in your story: gowns worn by Chinese people in their daily lives between 1501 and 1600 had features of stand-up collars, long sleeves and large number of buttons in the obvious place, and son on. The character Linda has to be a clever person with a curious mind, not only good at Chinese food--such as 云吞 , but she also has to be knowledgeable about China and its history and culture in that time. She has to be smart and read a lot. So this line, "She might live in China in the sixteenth century for life. " which read blunt, monotonous and illogical should be changed to: Seeing people wearing gowns with stand-up collars, long sleeves and large number of buttons in the prominent place, Linda figured, if she were not in the Hengdian World Studios, the so-called Eastern Hollywood, then she must have gone back to the past in the terrifying and chaotic late Ming Dynasty.

中文大概意思:

很多地方都不妥,譬如. “Linda thought how she could get some silver bits to tide her over till she found a job. She doubted whether she could be back at home in the future. She might live in China in the sixteenth century for life. "
She might ...毫无逻辑关系, 只是作者的一厢情愿地在诉说, 情节毫无说服力。 作为一个被安排回到十六世纪中国 的美国女生来说,她必须懂很多关于中国的事情,不能只局限于对云吞面的认识,她必须至少对中国那个时代的历史,文化,服饰潮流等有一定的了解, 以至于她能很快从其他人物的对话,打扮,衣着特色等分辨出来她身处的是16世纪的中国某地,而不是现代中国东方的好莱坞,横店影视城(正常情况对中国有认识的人来说在那个情况下都会怀疑自己如果不是回到了古代,是否到了某个中国古装片的摄影棚。但作者没有提及这些) 换句话就是说,作者必须对那个时代的历史,文化,社会状态等有基本的认识才能动笔去写,而且应该是用自己的母语去写。

这个故事一开头就展现了几大缺点:没有可读性,知识性和娱乐性, 虽然趣味性是有一点,但“穿越”主题 也是照抄别人用得烂透了的主义。 把一些毫无相干的英语简单句汇聚一起不叫写故事,是打字。




2016-5-4 08:01
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Xiaoman




#25


Put yourself in your readers' shoes and skillfully apply some writing techniques into your story. The characters in your story are boring and your readers are falling asleep. You should create intriguing and vivid characters to attract your readers. The English young man, based on your description in the second part, I don't see any prominent features on him, neither physical appearances nor his personality. You should describe his appearance a bit, such as how does he look like? The colors of his eyes and hair, etc. Then you should give readers some impression of his personality, and to do so, you should create engaging dialogs between him and Linda, so to impress your readers that he is a vivid character, whether a charming, mature, or humorous person? Or maybe he is someone just likes to fool around and have fun, being lazy, and doesn't want to do what his father has asked him to do? Etc. These are all what readers want to get to know about this character. And I don't see any gripping action scenes in your writing so far. The writer should write like a tour guide, so you should deliver a great experience for readers in the story and keep what you reader expect in mind, and avoid something boring, monotonous and silly like the below:

"Then she noticed a young man in the crowd looking like an Englishman. She went straight to him and said “Hello!” He did come from England, though the words and sentences he was using sounded like from Shakespeare’s plays."
整句意思大概是:然后她注意到在人群中,一个年轻人看上去像来自英国。她直接过去对他说:“你好 !” 他确实来自英国,虽然他的遣词造句听起来像是来自从莎士比亚的戏剧。

先不说这句文法,用词和混乱的逻辑, 这种描述写法是要避免的。你应该列出他们的对话内容,让读者去感受这年轻人确实是来自英国,而且说话文绉绉。对话内容建议,譬如如下:
"Oh you young lady doth look lost, methinks. How may I help you, madam? " 来自Hamlet台词 (Act III, Scene II).
听到琳达肚子饿得轰隆隆的响,这个年轻人说 "I doubt that it is thundering." 来自 "I doubt that the sun doth move. "

Hamlet (Act II, Scene II). 等等。 这个也是我上头所谓的“知识性”---在你的故事描述中找不到。既没有知识性也没有娱乐性, 读者为什么要读你的故事? 建议:回炉重写。 另,收回你那句 “你们英语初学者,读够100本小说再来跟我讨论写小说!“滑稽,可笑。




2016-5-4 21:41
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Xiaoman




#26


"When a customer came with a prescription, a shop assistant would take the herbs one by one from the drawers and weigh them on a small steelyard to the right amount stated on the prescription. Every herb was put on a small piece of paper and wrapped up. Then all the wrapped herbs were laid n a large piece of paper and wrapped into a big package. So the prescription was ready to be picked."
文法上:
1) When a customer came with a prescription>>a customer came in with a doctor's note. Came in 不是Came,另,用Doctor's note 避免Prescripton的重复使用
不需要用When,你这是写故事,不是做小学生习题。

2) "To be picked" >>to be picked up 注意 Picked up 用法
3) 能用主动语态就不用被动语态 " Every herb was put on a small piece of paper and wrapped up. Then all the wrapped herbs were laid n a large piece of paper and wrapped into a big package"

改成>> The shop assistant wrapped up each dosage of herbs with a small piece of paper, he then bound up all the small assorted packs with a large sheet of paper.
技巧上:
这一大段描述之后加一句: 这些场景在琳达看来熟识又新鲜,与她曾在某些中国功夫电影中看到的一模一样。 (因为这是Chracter的观感,不是你(writer) 的观感, 要与故事中人物联系起来。 这一段的描写有过多的无关信息,省略与故事情节无关的废话。正如拍电影,每一个镜头都是有用的。

全部描写没有伏笔,没有有趣生动的地方,连基本文法和措词都不过关。

质量太差,不忍卒读,但骗那些不懂英语的读者未尝不可。请继续。




2016-5-5 05:53
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Xiaoman




#27





引用:

Originally posted by 海外逸士 at 2016-5-2 07:29:
謝謝樓主化寶貴時間幫我改。樓主的英文越來越好了。我只是貼個故事內容讓大家看看玩玩而已。不再與人討論問題了。但還歡迎發表意見。謝謝。

我的英语不算很好,但指导你绰绰有余。但因为我很忙,

你最好把你的文字贴到美语坛,请那里的高手帮你修改基本文法和用词。至于写作技巧那可得靠天赋和才思,我认为你没有天赋,所以很难教你,自己琢磨,要不满大街都是作家了不是?帮你修改的那些都是文学基本常识,蹲一会洗手间就解决的问题。以后别吹说自己搞了几十年翻译和写作,就这个水平还好意思拿出来吹中英双语天下第一,这个笑话不能讲的好吗,笑死人不尝命好。
大风起兮牛飞扬。



使君才气卷波澜。与把好诗再译


2016-5-5 10:28
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海外逸士




#28


Chapter 2

Mr. Smith, the father of the young man, was shrewd and stingy. He had his son do the secretarial work for him so that he did not need to pay him salary, though he gave him monthly allowance, which was much less than the salary he would pay when he hired a secretary. But his son made a lot of mistakes, which caused him trouble and headache. He should know that cheap pay could not result in good work. Now his son brought home the girl to be his secretary. He only hoped that she could work better than his son, at least worth the pay he would give her. He would pay her less than the average salary, but Linda was contented with the little income as she did not know what the average pay was at that time.

Since he paid her salary, he thought that he must get his money’s worth. So besides the secretarial work, he bade the girl to do all the housework, including cleaning, cooking and washing.

How could Linda cook and wash clothes? When in America, she had ordered pizza when hungry and thrown all the dirty clothes into a washing machine. But there was no washing machine in the sixteenth century in China. She must wash them with bare hands. She carried the dirty clothes in a basket and went to the nearest stream. She watched other women how to wash clothes. They soaked the clothes in water and took them up and put on a smooth stone above the water. Then they beat the wet clothes with a wooden stick till the dirt on the clothes was squeezed out with water. Then they dipped the clothes in water again and shook them in water to let the dirt go with the current. After a while they took them up and wrung water out of the clothes. She followed suit. After washing, she put the clothes back into the basket and went home. She was told to hang the wet clothes on lines tied between trees to dry.

As for cooking, she often forgot to add salt to the dishes and sometimes burned the meat. Mr. Smith would deduct some money from her salary for the meat burnt. For several times, Mr. Smith had half a mind to fire her, but he knew that he could not get any other person to do all the work with so low salary. At least her secretarial work was satisfactory.

The young man, Albert Smith, was always not at home. He was seeking adventures somewhere else. Once the young man returned home with a black eye. Although he had learned fencing before he came to China, yet fencing was nothing compared with Chinese kungfu. When one used kungfu, he could kick while practicing fencing, no one kicked. And a kungfu person could use any weapon, including heavy steel club, while a fencing person only used a thin rapier. There were so many advantages in kungfu over fencing. So he was now learning kungfu from a famous master. Linda wished that next time when he fought against anyone, he had better give black eye than get it.

As Mr. Smith was busy with his business and Albert was away from home, Linda felt lonely and had no one to talk to, though she never talked to the father unless necessary. She was a little afraid of him with a potbelly and a pudgy build. He stared at her with a fierce look in his eyes whenever speaking to her. Once she forgot to polish his shoes, he deducted some money from her salary for the negligence of her job.

She toiled from morning till night and worked her fingers to the bone. She began to hate the heartless old man. However, she had at least earned some money and bought some clothes of the Ming-Dynasty style. She did not want to be conspicuous with bizarre clothes on among other people. Attraction of public attention was not a good thing in ancient China, especially for a pretty girl, she was told. She threw her modern American clothes away.

One day she bought a fish from the market. She cut the head of the fish off and thought that it were Mr. Smith’s head. Then she felt a little better. Another day when she got a piece of meat, she would beat it as if she were beating Mr. Smith. When she felt much better, she cooked the meat while humming a pop song to herself.

One afternoon she went out shopping for vegetables and meat for supper. As she looked so beautiful, almost everyone within the sight either glanced or gazed at her. Just then, a big guy came from the other end of the street. He had a sword hanging from the girdle round his waist. All the pedestrians stepped aside to let him pass. A miserable dog got in his way and he kicked it up with his big foot. The dog flew up like a bird, landed on a roof and rolled down onto the ground. It whined in pain and quickly limped away to escape a second kick. At that time in China, most houses were bungalows, and low.

People in the street just looked on at the scene. No one dared to say anything to this huge guy, especially with a sword hanging on his side. When he got close to Linda, he exclaimed, “Oh, by Buddha! What a beauty! She belongs to me.” He roared in merry laughter. He came to her side and snatched her up and put her on his right shoulder like he were shouldering a sack of rice. Linda fisted him on the back, shouting, “Let me down! Let me down!” She said these words in Chinese, though the pronunciation was not so good, but understandable. She had known a little Chinese when at home because some of her classmates were Chinese-Americans. Since she arrived in China, she had started to learn some more Chinese. She knew that she must overcome the language obstacle, or her life here would be more difficult. She learned easily. She was really a language genius.

The big guy was kidnapping a girl in the broad daylight before so many eyes. Although this was much more serious than the kicking of a dog, yet no one said anything to him. People just stared in silence. The big guy carried Linda away. Just then, the sound of galloping hooves was heard. People in the narrow street stepped aside to avoid any accident.

Soon a white steed came into sight. A young woman sat steadily on the horseback. She was dressed in a dark green upper garment and light-green trousers, in a Chinese style, both of silk. Her little delicate feet were incased in so small shoes of greenish brocade. Ah, the stirrup was of silver. She came from a rich family. Her hair was done in a knot on the top of her head with pearls strung together in the shape of a butterfly stuck in it. In her right hand, she held a long whip. She halted the horse in front of the big guy and said in her ringing voice, “Let her down.”

The guy sneered at her. “Who you think you are.”

“You don’t know me personally, I'm sure, but you may have heard of my nickname.” At that time, kungfu people, both men and women, used nicknames. As a matter of fact, it was not they themselves who wanted to use nicknames. Other people in the karate circle gave them nicknames based on their own conducts. Therefore, the nicknames would reflect their personality and general behavior.

“What's it?”

“Green Phoenix.” She was famous in the kungfu world since she always helped the needy and gave money and things to the poor like some good knights in the middle age in England. Only in England there were no lady knights. Of course, the big guy had heard of Green Phoenix, but he was not afraid of her. He thought to himself, “I’m a big guy. You are only a tiny woman. How can you fight me without being defeated?” He forgot the fact that in kungfu world, it did not depend on the strength born with, but on the kungfu, which would produce great force even from a small stature. The higher one’s kungfu level was, the stronger he or she would be in fight, including kungfu maneuver skills.

The big guy shifted Linda from his right shoulder to the left and drew out his sword with his right hand. He took the initiative and thrust his sword towards the right leg of Green Phoenix, who was still on the horseback with the guy at her right side. She cracked her whip at his right hand. As the whip was much longer, it hit the guy’s hand before he could reach her with his sword. The whip came so quick that he had no time to change his move. It meant that his kungfu level was much lower. Blood was seen on his hand and a sharp pain released the sword in his grip. It fell on the ground with a clang. He could not believe that he was defeated in the first round. He attributed his defeat to his slighting a woman.

He let go of Linda, who was about to drop on the ground and might get hurt when the thin end of the long whip flitted by under her body and entwined on her waist. The young woman jerked back the whip with the girl entwined on the other end. As the girl flew over, she held out both her hands and caught her in the air. She let Linda sit behind her on the horseback.

The big guy picked up his sword and rushed towards Green Phoenix. He would not acknowledge his defeat at the first round. He used his sword as an ax and cut at her hip. She twirled her whip tightly round the blade of his sword and gave a great pull. The force was so gigantic that the guy, though a giant as he was, could not hold his sword any longer. The sword flew away from his hand and landed on the nearby roof. This time the guy knew that he was no match for her and turned to run away for his dear life. Taking the advantage of her long whip, Green Phoenix gave his butts a final hit as a warning and a lesson as well as farewell bidding.




2016-5-6 07:22
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Xiaoman




#29


"Mr. Smith, the father of the young man, was shrewd and stingy. He had his son do the secretarial work for him so that he did not need to pay him salary, though he gave him monthly allowance, which was much less than the salary he would pay when he hired a secretary. But his son made a lot of mistakes, which caused him trouble and headache. He should know that cheap pay could not result in good work. Now his son brought home the girl to be his secretary. He only hoped that she could work better than his son, at least worth the pay he would give her. He would pay her less than the average salary, but Linda was contented with the little income as she did not know what the average pay was at that time."
死气沉沉,基本文法不过关,不会运用基本写作技巧。改成:

Mr. Smith, XXX's father, was such a miser that he made his son do everything in the office without paying him except some allowances on a regular basis.
As the saying goes, no pay, no gain. XXX made a lot of mistakes at work without realizing them, which drove his father insane. (因上一段没有安排The young man 介绍自己的名字,所以用XXX替代“)

本是No pain , no gain. 要灵活运用,学以致用,双关运用

技巧上,把死板没看头的废话改成对话和心理描述:

"Father, this is Linda. She needs a job badly, I wonder if you can hire her as your secretary." asked, XX, holding a hopeful tone.

Mr. Smith stopped what he was doing and quietly gave a mean look at his son and the strange young lady in front of him.
He wondered what a sudden impulse had brought his son such an unusual idea. I don't need a secretary, although you always give me troubles and drive me insane sometimes, as long as I give you some lessons to improve, then everything will be fine, so why should I pay someone else to do the job when I have a free laborer? Thinking stingily,Mr. Smith sneered at his son and said, "Why? Give me two reasons I should hire her."

让读者从对话和心理描写中得知Mr. Smith是一个怎样的人。建议先用中文写.

跟着下了xxx回答他的父亲,“她吃得很少,一顿三碗馄饨面,四个馒头,五个肉包子。。。就够了。she eats like a bird and。。。。而且她不要求付工资”


因为你英语太差,你放在Writingforum, 洋人读者都建议你用中文去写,你要不要我帮你链接过来给大家看?




2016-5-6 11:08
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Xiaoman




#30


洗衣做饭貌似简单的事情, 在写的时候要给读者带来知识性和娱乐性:

譬如,琳达看到大锅子,大盖子时候不知所措。在她现代生活里没看见过。但因为她很聪明,一学就会,只是添柴时候差点把头发烤成了一个新式的发型。别忘了她是一个现代人。 不要写她忘记炒菜放盐这些Stupid的事情,别忘了她是一个聪明的人,不会犯这些低级错误。

写洗衣那段,既然是春天,描写春天的景色,春江水暖鸭先知,看到河面上吵闹的鸭子,琳达顺口吟出一首14行诗,你可以参考我顺手5分钟内写的Ducks---
www.writingforums.com/threads/165328-Ducks (故事人物的聪明有灵气往往是因为作者有才气与灵气,可是你除了死气什么都没有,所以你写不出有才气的东西。)
但她马上就伤心惆怅起来,因为她流落异乡,不知道什么时候能回家。

记住,她是用现代西方人的眼光去看16世纪中国的事情。注意描写她的心理反差。 她想回到现代,她想用电脑,上网,和朋友聊天,想家人。这些都是正常的心理,而你一只不提。既然号称自己是某诗社的诗人,应该在每一个章节都加入一首原创诗, 可是你没有。 全篇评分:写得真是够差劲,低能,我从没见过那么差的英语---这些是你曾经给我的,没有证据支持的评论---在我没有惹你,没有得罪你,不认识你是谁的情况下,你为了出名,急疯了,像疯狗一样见人就咬。 但这个评论也真是我对你水平的真实感觉,而且是经过论证的。)

平心而论,大家也看见,我的英语比你好太多,我之前从不点击你的所谓的小说,真没想到你水平竟差成这样。 现在你心虚,因为你知道自己恶行做多了,狗嘴伤人太多了,所以有人一点评你就害怕,你就马上要死要活相对,宣告自己有病,可能马上会死掉,完全是你病态,变态心理。

你吹牛,打杀各大名翻译家的水平比你的破英语写作好1000倍,你破英语加劣质写作,帮坛子里翻译教授们提鞋你都不配。评论完毕。




2016-5-6 20:49
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Xiaoman




#31


我上头的说话是因为你长期无故跋扈乖戾,在各大论坛口出恶言打杀无辜,犯了众怒,全部是事实。

继续教你如何写小说: 先不说你英语句子非常弱的表达。 首先,你塑造的人物不成功,没有灵气,没有看头。 就如我上头说的,琳达应该是一个个性乐观,幽默的天才,这样她才能在恶劣的环境下生存,而且做出很多有意义,的事情。她了解中国文化,历史,是语言天才,她心灵手巧,适应能力强, 常常能化险为夷,游刃有余。 当然她不甘看那老头的脸色,她利用聪明才智捉弄,报复了那个心地黑暗,歹毒,无良,心理扭曲,看不得人好,看不得人进步的,常常口出恶言,暴力,心理变态,老而不死的 Mr.Smith, 她言语出击,句句中的,处处让这老不死无地自容,丢人丢到家,哑口无言。
然后她为自己前途着想,她懂得利用自己的优势,譬如裁缝技能(在高中学的),时装知识等帮城里的人们带来新的服饰潮流,她因此很快就成为一个名人,成为城里富婆名媛的新贵。 由于那时人们开始崇洋,琳达能言善道,善解人意,聪明漂亮,最重要的是她能知过去未来,她知道明末乱世,将发生什么大事,谁将会当皇帝等等。大家都喜欢她,她本来中国话不错,所以也很快能开始教人们学英语---这些事情又有很多可写的地方。

而你把她写成一个受气包,得看那死老头的脸色做事而不敢反抗,又把她写成一个愚蠢的人:把自己的服装扔掉,因为怕人们认为她怪诞---不会利用自己优势。你的思路一开始就已经错了,所以没法看。 另外,“Although he had learned fencing before he came to China, yet fencing was nothing compared with Chinese kungfu. ” 这一句得罪了一大片, 它的意思是:尽管他来中国之前就已经开始学击剑,但比起中国功夫,击剑狗屁不是。 难怪在Writingforum,有人追着你帖子后让你用中文写明白了才翻译,练习你的英语。




2016-5-8 07:31
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Xiaoman




#32


写小说不是看了几套中文穿越电视剧就可以开始写的事情,既然涉及16世纪的穿越,写故事的人必须是学贯中西的有识之士,必须懂世界近代史,中国历史,明朝时中西方文化交流背景,熟识哲学,心理学,世界文学,并且能灵活运用原有的知识去想象和创作。故事人物是作者的代言人,作者的知识通过人物来传达,作者有水平,就能驾驭才气横溢的人物,处处妙语飞动,引人深思,故事就属可读,佳作,作者水平不行,无才可言,人物就死气沉沉,对话如白开水,无法读。




2016-5-8 10:23
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#33


说得有理。小曼好英语,也具有很高的小说素养。小说写什么?小说要有冲突,要刻画人物。




2016-5-9 12:00
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Xiaoman




#34


Thanks Brother Lu

我回复楼主的都是蹲厕所时间无聊玩Ipad,喝咖啡时间顺便的打字娱乐。楼主说他主修英语,写小说,写诗,翻译,到如今至少50年了吧还拿这种东西出来对世人说他中英他天下第一,贴出来当着自己“没死”的信号---楼主原话,我看是”臭死“的信号。

补充:我不是英专,业余翻译就是玩,但我玩我的,我不Expect他来攻击我。另外,如果我50年后还没死,健康状态如楼主现在一样精神,能蹦能跳,如果还坚持对翻译,写诗有兴趣,成绩会更加让他眼红, 捶胸顿足也没用。到那时他想再来攻击我恐怕技术上做不到。宁欺负白须公,莫欺少年穷,我早告诉他,白须公欺负年轻人就是找S的节奏 (当年我还年轻)。路兄帮我留意, 如没猜错过几天楼主又会写什么来影射我,心理阴暗,搞这些他是专家。我一般不看他的贴,最近我很忙,忙工作,学习,更加不会来看他的帖。谢谢!




2016-5-9 20:21
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Xiaoman




#35


楼主有本事就拿些能拿得出手的东西给大家瞧瞧,很难吗?




2016-5-9 21:09
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Xiaoman




#36


我的新诗评论更新:
www.writingforums.com/thr ... 1996349#post1996349

楼主当年跟我帖,对我口出狂言,说再过10年我也写不过他。他把自己写的垃圾到处撒,说是funny poems--中文翻译--粉你破噩梦思。
自称是写14行24行的专家,那么出名的不可多得的诗人应该杰作不少吧,不是吗?贴出了让大家开眼界,要带几个网友好评的哦。




2016-5-10 08:13
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Xiaoman




#37


什么叫挑战?什么叫摆雷?我5分钟随手写的,给你5天,5星期也写不出,这就挑战。 把我帮你顺手写的“挑战诗”
再好好读一读,然后写一首像样的出来,给你一个礼拜,很难吗?挑战书还让人修改得不惨不忍睹,大笑话。楼主的“摆雷”其实就是为自己埋了地雷,最后自己踩上了,后果自负。




2016-5-10 08:36
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Xiaoman




#38


楼主的雷在这里:
bbs.wenxuecity.com/mysj/95300.html

欢迎大家转帖我对楼主“小说”的点评和写作指导。




2016-5-10 21:35
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Xiaoman




#39





引用:

Originally posted by 路 at 2016-5-9 12:00:
说得有理。小曼好英语,也具有很高的小说素养。小说写什么?小说要有冲突,要刻画人物。

他那些狗屁不通的东西拿出来丢人现眼。如果他当年不那么嚣张,不对我口出恶言长期欺负我,出没有论证的恶毒跟贴,今天我也不会跟贴,让他出这个丑。

我随手写来玩的都好评不少, 而他的绝大部分的帖恶评如潮,你也目击他帖子被批的惨状了,他还有脸来中国人社区吹牛。

My Poem: www.writingforums.com/thr ... n?highlight=Xiaoman


洋人诗人们指出他的英语不行,教他如何表达才能让读者明白: www.writingforums.com/threads/128367-Works-of-xlwoo

使君才气卷波澜,与把好诗再译。 “英诗精选100首汉译” 其中24首儿童诗妙趣横生。作者:加拿大刘小曼
我的博客详细介绍http://www.backchina.com/u/358517

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2016-07-25 22:15 - 2016-07-27 14:24 #2 刘小曼36
刘小曼36 回复: 我对 “海外逸士” 英语小说的点评
这个ID为 “海外 ” 的,他自己说是80多岁。译了几十年写了几十年,这水平大家也看到了。

2013年开始我网上发表一些诗词翻译,他一看见我的帖子就对开始攻击我的作品,几乎每个帖子都用恶毒的话攻击贬损,打压, 当时令得我非常困惑,
很多网友对他的行为不耻, 把这厮赶跑。 2014年我看他翻译实在太差, 在我翻译一些小说的时候顺便指点他, 可他不感恩, 却把话反过来讲, 而且是背后放冷箭 。 这厮不仅攻击新手, 还对名翻译家贬损不遗余力, 名翻译家包括许渊冲,屠岸,方平等, 年轻一辈翻译家徐英才。 他出言歹毒, 不仅评论不给出支持理据,还出言想人家早死。
凡是译得比他好的,他都想人死:http://www.yidian.org/view-thread-6770.html

大家读以下这篇, 就清楚他人格低劣:


以下就是这个无耻之徒写我忘恩负义,其实是写他自己。

忘恩負義,人所不齒
外國人中是否有忘恩負義的情況,本人不熟悉外國歷史社會人文,不敢斷言。但在中國歷史上,現實社會上忘恩負義者比比皆是。沒碰到過這種事例的人,沒有親身體驗,不知被忘恩負義的感覺。本人有幸(不幸?)親身體驗了一次。
退休後,大把時間在握。於是去許多網站瀏覽。隨著改革開放形勢,中外交流頻繁,中國人學英文者越來越多。大部份中文網站上都有英文欄,以利初學者交流。本人也時往瀏覽,看到勤奮好學年輕人貼上來的翻譯作品,如有不足之處,本人就提出意見,或幫助修改一下。大部份人表示感謝。也有個別年輕人自以為英文很好了,以他們只有幾年裡學到的淺薄知識,來辯解反駁。這也屬正常學術討論。也有極個別破口大罵的,實屬修養不夠。沒有修養的人搞不成深厚的學問,只能在淺水池塘裡游游。只有虛懷若谷的人才能百尺竿頭更進一步。
本人幫助過的人中有兩位記憶猶新。都是網上認識的,從未覿面。一位在國內,近臥龍故鄉。他幫人翻譯一本詩集,讓我幫他修改。出版後,他獲得報酬。他要分一半給我。我當然謝絕了。一次我回國,本來計劃他來上海看我,我帶兩本我在美國出版的英文書給他。後因他太太懷孕,不利遠行而罷。我就把書寄給他。他寄我兩件玉器,珍藏至今。
另一位,它(為不暴露性別,故用中性字)另一個外國。我見它有好學精神,經常貼些翻譯成品上來,就熱心地指出它翻譯不妥之處。不料它反應激烈,實屬罕見,似乎它年紀輕輕,已是翻譯界權威人士。但本人並不在意。後來又幫助它修改四五篇短篇小說。修改期間,關係有所改善。它甚至說請我去它所在國,請我吃飯。我說心領了,來回機票,我可以在當地吃幾十頓飯。修改完成後,不料有一天,它突然在電信裡罵起我來。我莫名其妙,只能以安撫應付。心想這樣的忘恩負義,實屬罕見。


2 评论


君子记人之恩,忘己之施,自然坦荡无戚。


廖康 [评] 2016-1-1 21:59



廖大博士,好久不見。話雖不錯,但如果閣下一直受到惡毒咒罵,是否要讓大家知道,世上還有如此忘恩負義之輩。只是讓大家認識其人之本質。能如此翻臉不認人。


海外逸士 [评]

使君才气卷波澜,与把好诗再译。 “英诗精选100首汉译” 其中24首儿童诗妙趣横生。作者:加拿大刘小曼
我的博客详细介绍http://www.backchina.com/u/358517
最后修改: 2016-07-27 14:24 由 刘小曼36.

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2016-07-25 22:40 - 2016-07-27 14:25 #3 刘小曼36
刘小曼36 回复: 我对 “海外逸士” 英语小说的点评
作品一出来被人评论是无可厚非,可他就是歹毒, 口没遮拦, 不提任何理据。 譬如他评徐英才翻译的 “故都之秋” 
“徐英才何許人也﹖他的翻譯在細節處常有問題。你說南北比較﹐在英文裡能這樣用比
較級嗎﹖國內翻譯者經常用中文思維考慮英文用詞等。學好英文思維再來討論。”

来源: yiwen.com.cn/mybbs/Announce/announce2.as...2&TopicSortID=281596

徐先生的“英译唐宋八大家散文精选” 和 “英译中国当代美文选” 是中国政府选送给美国林肯高中的国礼,是北京外语大学古典文学翻译研究生入学考试必读指导书。
这个Id为 “海外逸士“ 的看着妒恨得要死,出口伤人,企图贬损名翻译家来提升自己身价,这个大家都能一目了然。

另外,“故都之秋” 的英译获得国外英语社区众多好评,并非海外逸士两句话就能污蔑得了。   

使君才气卷波澜,与把好诗再译。 “英诗精选100首汉译” 其中24首儿童诗妙趣横生。作者:加拿大刘小曼
我的博客详细介绍http://www.backchina.com/u/358517
最后修改: 2016-07-27 14:25 由 刘小曼36.

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